Outing

Today, after 9 weeks of having 2 children, I took my first solo outing with both children (besides a trip to church when Josh had drill). I am physically feeling better than I have felt in months and with Adelyn sleeping through the night more I thought I was rested up for the challenge.

Hunter & I used to take all kinds of outings during the week when it was just the two of us. I have really missed that freedom and flexibility lately and I am not the only one. In fact, Hunter asked me if we could go to Target this week. Love that kid! So this morning I decided it would be fun to go to the mall and hit up the train table at Barnes & Noble. I fed Adelyn, changed her and packed the diaper bag. And off we went. Adelyn tends to hate being put in her car seat so the first five minutes of the drive she was screaming. But then she fell asleep. And she slept for about an hour!

During that hour, Hunter and I read several books, played with trains and he spent a lot of time on my lap. Just like old times! When she woke up, I told Hunter to play with the trains so I could feed her. For the most part, he stayed right in the area. As I was feeding Adelyn, she had a blow out. It wasn't until I got home that I realized some of it got on my shirt... true sign of motherhood: walking through the mall with poo on your shirt. I got her cleaned up, then finished feeding her and by then it was time to go home to eat lunch. I told Hunter it was time to go, turned to put Adelyn in her car seat and heard Hunter screaming, "NO!!!!" He took off running as fast as he could away from me. I had a moment of sheer panic... do I dare try to maneuver a giant double stroller quickly through the store as I chase after my 2-year-old? Or do I leave Adelyn and all my stuff here and chase after him? Thankfully, he unknowingly turned and ran back toward me down a different aisle. I was able to corner him while not going too far from Adelyn.

Then, I desperately had to go to the bathroom. Our stroller is a "sit and stand" so if you use an infant carrier, the other child must stand. Hunter is usually pretty good at standing on the stroller and he likes it. But this does not strap him down. So, without going into too much detail, in the middle of me using the restoom, Hunter runs around the stall and unlocks the door. With the door wide open and my 2 year old exploring the entire bathroom, I quickly pull my pants up and chase after him once again.

Finally, we make our way to the van. I have gotten in the habit of opening the door on Adleyn's side, letting Hunter crawl through, putting Adelyn in her seat and then walking around and strapping in Hunter. I did that, shut the door so I knew both kids were in the van, and then attempted to put the stroller in the back of the van. I wrestled that thing for a good 2.5 minutes and could not get it to fold down. So I tried to put it in the back of our van with it standing up. But the door wouldn't close, so I put it back on the ground and tried again to fold it. All the while, Adelyn is screaming and Hunter is terrorizing my van, since I haven't strapped him into his seat yet. Finally the stroller collapsed, just in time for me to save Adelyn from getting her eye poked for the 12th time this morning.

Adelyn screamed the whole way home.

I am glad I went and I know Hunter had a great time until I told him it was time to go home. And I find hope in knowing that this will get easier!

Potty!

Hunter went pee on his potty for the first time tonight! He had the biggest and best smile I have ever seen. All three of us were so proud! Let's hope this continues!!!

Nap time?

Hunter has learned a new skill: climbing out of his crib. Since Sunday night, every nap time and bedtime has been a fight to get him to stay in bed. I knew this day would come eventually. I have been so blessed by his excellent sleeping for the bulk of his life, so this week has been extra tough on me. I do not like disciplining him, but I know that consistency is key.

Today's nap time has already been a mini-war. I put him down and left him for about 15 minutes before going to check on him. When I walked in his room, this is what I found:

I don't even want to think about how he managed to climb up on his changing table. Scares me! But he managed to do it somehow and he had a grand time with the powder. After giving himself and his Thomas a "bath" (as he called it) in the powder, he decided to rub lotion all over his face and changing table. It was a disgusting mess. It was all over his pacifier, which he decided to taste, so it was all inside his mouth. I think that is what bothered him the most.

I cleaned it up as best I could and then needed to give him a bath-- which I hope didn't seem like a reward to him.


Oh, Hunter, you are such a two-year-old. Will you stay in bed this time?

is it him or is it me?

I just put Hunter down for his afternoon nap-- 15 minutes early and with very little lunch in his belly. After he threw his milk down on the floor three times, and threw multiple quesadillas, bread, and yogurt on the floor I gave him a one minute, very ineffective, timeout. I was at my boiling point. This is after taking him to Target, where we usually have lots of fun looking at things together. But today, he decided he did not want to sit in the cart. He somehow wiggled his way out of the strap and stood up in the seat while yelling "'get up! get up!" So, for the first time, I put him into the basket with his sippy of water and a few toys. I thought he could have fun playing in the basket. He thought it was punishment. He screamed and cried and got really angry at me.

I would love to let him walk beside me as we cruise through Target, but there is no way! He either runs his own direction or pulls everything off the shelves. Either way, I am not really shopping, I am wrangling a child who is so small yet can move so quickly. Not my idea of fun. In fact, it is testing my patience every step of the way. Today I am seriously questioning where my sweet little boy went and wondering if I will ever get him back.

He is too heavy to carry all the time, but it is one of the only ways to control his little body. He wants so badly to have independence, but he has no impulse control. Seriously. The kid has always been active, but this is a new level. His little body is able to do more and his mind is constantly wanting to know what is going on around him. Yesterday I took him to the mall play area, thinking it would be a fun outing and he could play in a different atmosphere. He is a sneaky little kid. Just when I thought he was starting to really enjoy the place, he would dart out and run through the mall, leaving me running after him desperately pleading with him to obey. He must have loved the scene it made and the attention he got, because this little song and dance repeated at least 10 times. I left there exhausted, angry, and seriously doubting my mothering skills.

My patience is worn thin and he is finding every hole. I am wondering if it is him that is acting crazy or if it is me. At the end of the day, it is probably both of us. He is entering a new developmental stage and I am still am still treating him as if he is in the old one. I, too, am entering a new stage of mothering. I need to learn to adapt to what he needs and grow in my patience. He needs more patience in how I approach disciplining him. But I also need to be patient with myself. I am still learning how to do this whole mothering thing. Hunter and I will have to learn together.

For now, I am going to enjoy a few minutes of a quiet house.

the toughest thing

So much has changed in my life since I found out I was pregnant. Everything from sleeping to how I structure my days now rotates around someone other than myself. I find myself talking about poop, different styles of sleep training, and the benefits of weaning from the bottle. I think about cloth diapers, healthy diets, and how to make sure Hunter gets enough play time with other children.

But the toughest, most emotional thing I have had to face is the reality that my precious little boy gets sick. It breaks my heart every time. I get so worried! We have had quite a difficult month with Hunter's health. Shortly after his first birthday, he all of a sudden had a low grade fever and a rash. I took him to the doctor. Since he has a history of UTIs, we had to make sure it wasn't that.... thankfully, it wasn't. We decided he must just have a little virus.

His rash never really went away after that. There were days that were better than others, but eventually it got to the point that it was always there, no matter what I did. The cloth diapers didn't seem to make a difference. Since he was having a little fever again, I took him back to the doctor last week. She checked his urine and again found nothing wrong, so she prescribed a cream for his rash. The very next day, his rash spread everywhere his diaper touched and his fever shot up. And when I changed his diaper, there was red in it. Red. Looked like blood to me. That is how we found out he had a UTI when he was 4 months old. I freaked out and thankfully Josh was able to come home from work and go to the doctor with me. Once again, she could find nothing in his urine or nothing that she thought we should treat him for. We left the doctor with no answers and a lot of questions. I was very frustrated and a little scared.

At this appointment, the doctor also found a small lump at the base of Hunter's neck. Right on his collar bone is a hard bump that is moveable, yet always there. She said we needed to get this tested. Unfortunately, we had to wait a week to get the appointment. All last week we were nursing Hunter's rash and watching his temperature. His rash started to go away and by Monday night it looked like it was completely gone. I kept putting the cream on it since the doctor said to do it 4 times a day for 2 weeks. But honestly, it was gone.

Fast forward to Wednesday. Hunter wakes up with diarrhea and the rash is back in full swing. By the afternoon he had developed a low grade fever again. I called the doctor's office and they said Hunter needed to come in right away. So once again we headed back to the doctor. Once again we left with no answers.

Today we took Hunter for his ultrasound and x ray of the bump on his chest. St. Louis Children's Hospital is fantastic. The staff are so friendly, the appointments are nicely organized and everything went smoothly. We were in and out of there in less than an hour. Hunter still had his fever all day today and was especially cuddly. He hardly wanted to be let down at all today---which is so not like him. But he did great during the ultrasound and x rays. I was very proud of him.

So now I am just waiting. Waiting to hear the results of these tests and waiting to see how Hunter is going to feel in the morning. It is so hard to watch your child be sick and even harder to not have the answers. There are many things it could be: there is a bug going around campus, so Hunter could have that. He was on antibiotics for 5 months, so his body could still be recovering from that. He could have a food allergy, but those don't usually cause fevers. His urinary tract reflux could be causing his body issues. He could have an infection. This lump on his chest could be something or it could be nothing.

I hate not knowing. I hate watching him suffer. This is by far the hardest thing about being a parent. At least it is the hardest thing I have faced so far.

Embrace

There is a park across the street from our beautiful campus. It has a mile long track that goes around a pond with a fountain and flowering trees surrounding it. This evening, we walked to the park and Josh went for a run around the track. Hunter and I walked around and enjoyed the beautiful trees.

I carried Hunter in the bjorn, which he still loves. As Josh ran, Hunter and I found a park bench to sit on. And that is where I had the best moment of my week.

Hunter has been showing a new level of independence the last few weeks. From only eating what he can put into his mouth himself to turning over and squirming anytime his diaper is changed, the baby has morphed into more of a squirt lately. His new-found ability to army crawl has enabled him to get into things he shouldn't and that means mommy's job has just gotten harder.

But today, on the park bench, he put both of his arms around my neck and pressed his cheek to mine and he just wanted to hug. I sang to him, rocked him, and loved on him all while he clung tightly to me.

There is nothing like holding a newborn, and I have missed those days lately. But today I discovered there is nothing like holding an almost 10-month-old who clings himself to you because he wants to. Talk about making my heart melt. I love this little boy more and more everyday-- and I don't even see how that is possible.