16 months

At 16 months, Hunter walks more steadily, mimics verbal sounds more, and is BUSIER than ever! He is so much fun, and quite the handful! He weighs the exact same as at 15 months (22 lbs, 9 oz) but seems taller. He is such a fun baby! :)

Perfecting Ourselves to Death

We have all seen people we would label “perfectionist,” and in fact most people have the tendency toward it. Our culture feeds our desire and deep inside we tend to believe it is possible. Perfect appearance, perfect thoughts, perfect achievements and a perfect household elude us in this life, yet the pressure remains to seek them anyway. Dr. Richard Winter has done an incredible job of analyzing the issue as well as discussing the way our culture--both secular and within the church-- perpetuate the problem. Winter discusses genetic tendencies, relational modeling, pressure from authority figures, and internal fears that create and motivate perfectionism. There are many dangerous results of this pattern of thinking such as depression, eating disorders, and anxiety. Dr. Winter describes the problems and then discusses the pride and the shame that tend to drive people to be driven perfectionists or defeated perfectionists.

Right at the point the reader may feel that it is hopeless to overcome this pervasive issue, Winter describes the importance of knowing yourself in order to grow. “When someone begins loosening the grip of unhealthy perfectionism they must have a strong and reliable sense of identity and purpose, built on a foundation of reality and truth, that will allow them to grow toward a healthy pursuit of excellence,” (p. 147). At this point, I expected to find a series of personality tests and examples of how to learn about oneself. Thankfully, Winter took the healing deeper by delving into the Gospel in order to understand oneself. He did this very carefully. “What really matters is what God thinks of us. We have a given or derived identity--not an identity that we create for ourselves,” (p. 153). Winter goes on to describe the tension of being created in God’s image yet living in a fallen world. We can finally stop the race to perfection by resting in the perfect acceptance of God. “This is finally our greatest comfort; Christ has us in his grip, and somehow he will complete the task of making us perfect and bringing us to glory,” (p. 175). Christ is the ultimate answer to our perfectionism.

The way Winter turns the book to focus on Christ makes this a unique source for Christians. Winter has a medical background and fully diagnoses the issue from a mental health standpoint. He does not give the Gospel message as an easy answer for the issue, but rather as a true hope for those who long to change. The point is emphasized that we will not ever attain perfection on this Earth. In God’s definition, perfection is a “Christlike character” (p. 169) and this is what he is growing us toward. We are able to change and Christ takes us down that path toward healing. The process is slow, over time, which may frustrate the perfectionist who wants “the goal achieved immediately or not at all,” (p. 78). God calls us to trust him and rely on him.

The Healing Path

The Healing Path by Dan Allender is the best book I have ever read. In an honest manner, Allender addresses the abiding questions of the heart regarding living in a fallen world. He does not sugar coat the reality of pain and struggle as humans walk this Earth, but he gives a perspective that is rich and provides more hope than is usually offered in self-help books. Allender takes the reader down a path that invites deep reflection on his past in order to learn to truly dream for his future. On this journey, hope, faith, and love replace the guilt, shame and doubt that have taken up residence in the human heart. Allender’s understanding of humanity fuels deep exposure of both the sinful ways people deal with their pain, and the effects of evil inflicted upon them. After walking the reader though how to get on the healing path, Allender then teaches how to bring this healing to others. He gives great, simple advice on how to engage others with hope and love, gently pursuing them in the midst of their stories. Throughout all of this, Allender shines a light upon the goodness of God, even in the desert, that is based upon God’s desire to have relationship with his people.
A lot of Christians seem to believe that trusting God means letting go of past pain and pressing on toward God, pretending everything is good. The general thought is what has passed is gone and the only thing we have power to change is the future. To this Allender says, “Many Christians seek to escape the hard task of facing damage; they want change without an honest look at life. The result is not only an incomplete redemption, but worse, a shallow grip of grace,” (p. 108). This poignant phrase, “shallow grip of grace,” unfortunately defines much of the Christianity in America. We believe that following God will bring a sort of euphoria to our lives. We are afraid to press into pain. In reality, “...redemption touches us more deeply than tragedy. But without tragedy, there could be no redemption,” (p. 128). God takes us into the desert and then mercifully woos us there (p. 138). “No matter how we have acquired our wounds, we all need the good news of the healing power of redemption: Evil meant our suffering for our destruction, but God meant it for our good,” (p. 6).
This is a radical, counter-cultural perspective that Allender is promoting. He argues that regardless of whether or not we are acknowledging it, everyone acts out of their past. “Everything hinges on the past. We will project the past into every new moment and either repeat our past themes of victimization or marvel at the work of God in redeeming us in spite of our questions and doubt,” (p. 147). When I think about it, I really agree with Allender. The aspects of my past that I desire to hide from are actually pivoting points around which my life revolves. I self-protect to ensure those topics are never addressed. The past so governs my present that I am robbed of true hope, true dreaming of a better future, and true relationships. I cannot grow if I am this committed to comfort (p. 149).
“We must so hunger for a different tomorrow that we risk losing today to gain it,” (p. 149). Hope will grow as we commit to honestly working through our past. When we are satisfied with how life is going, we do not risk. God uses the pain and sorrow in our lives to invite us to struggle with Him. The desert then becomes a place of seeing God afresh and in new ways. Our hearts an be opened to his gentle calling through the change to our soul that comes from struggle and pain. Instead of repeating the same cycles of pointlessness in our lives, God calls us to examine what is going on in our hearts and change the direction of our lives. True hope “invests in the present with the teeming, brimming abundance that is our promise of glory not only in heaven but now,” (p. 157). Hope is not a denial of the past, but an acceptance of both the struggles and the evil that have been interwoven into our stories.
By asking, “Which stories will win my heart?” (p. 131) we can come to see pain for what it is and choose to allow God to shape and form us through it. We can begin to be governed by stories of redemption instead of sorrow. We are able to open our hearts to the possibility of hopes and dreams. This will open us up to live in true community with others. Working through our pain with God will lead us into a deeper relationship with him than we ever thought possible. We are able to have a sense of joy that is based upon God rather than something we ourselves can muster. “Joy is not an absence of struggle or sorrow, but the taste of the presence of God as he surprises us with his gracious love, whatever our circumstances,” (p. 184).

what sickness?

I like to think of myself as pretty level-headed. I bet some of you are laughing right now. But seriously, I have come a long way being less "high strung." At least I think so.

Until I find myself in a doctors office with Hunter screaming and the doctor asking all kinds of questions. At that moment, I lose all control of my mind and lots of fear and total irrationality come to life. I cannot think clearly and my ability to answer simple questions goes out the window. It is not that I am irrational about Hunter's illness, but I just cannot think & I want my baby to be well so badly I find my mind cloudy and confusing!

I have had this experience a lot. Ever since Hunter was 4 months old and diagnosed with a Urinary Tract Infection, it seems our lives have been full of doctors visits and urine samples. Every time the poor kid gets a fever and starts acting clingy, I get so nervous. Is this another UTI? Since the main symptoms are frequent and painful urination it is really hard to know. Hunter cannot tell us it hurts and since he is in a diaper I cannot tell if he went 4 little times or 1 big time. So I am forced to just watch his temperature and check for any blood in his diaper.

Today, he had blood in his diaper. I was really angry to see it there again. We seriously just took him to the doctor 2 weeks ago. And when I saw it, I knew my planned afternoon of studying was going to be spent in the doctors office instead. I mean, the doctors are probably going to tell us it is nothing, but we can't NOT go... we have to make sure he is okay and the reflux is not doing any damage to his kidneys.

So off to the doctor we went. We put the bag on him and he did not pee, so we had to put another one on him. He did not want to drink his water and playing in the sink was not helping him to go either. So Josh bought a sprite and fanta. Yep, we gave our son soda... at the doctors office. While I am not proud of this, it did work. An hour and a half later, we finally got him to pee.

And just shortly after that we were assured by the doctor that there was no blood and no sign of infection in this pee. GREAT.

So once again the doctors are telling us Hunter has a virus. Seems every 2 weeks the kid has a virus. Today I asked the doc about what we can do... he said until Hunter is able to talk and is potty trained, we have to just keep bringing him in if he shows signs of UTI.

Looks like this is just part of being a mom for now.