Gray Clouds

The sun is shining, the air feels light and the breeze provides just enough chill.  Even without air conditioning, I'm not too hot.  In other words, today is one of the few sunny, pleasant days in Misawa.

I didn't realize at this time last year how rare these days are in Misawa. Having moved here last July, I assumed these beautiful August/September days had been happening all summer. This year, I  had a very harsh realization in June and July, when I discovered most of the days were gray and dreary. In fact there is a term on base for Misawa June: "June-uary."  It is June but it feels much closer to the dark days of January than what you would expect from a June. Honestly, of the 14 months we have lived here, June and the beginning of July were the absolute hardest for me. We survived 6+ months of snow and lots of dreary days. When it was time for summer to be here, I felt like I had "earned" it. I did my best to have a positive attitude through the long (long, long, long) winter and I had finally made it to June. I expected the sun.

When it didn't show up, my heart sank. As a desert girl, I longed for the days of endless sunshine to brown my skin and warm my soul. My expectations of an outdoor summer with my kids were met with the  reality of gray, overcast dreariness. My insides began to match the weather outside. I felt a huge cloud settle right over my positive spirit.

Honestly, there were lots of things that contributed to this cloudy spirit, but the weather is the easiest to blame. 
Thankfully, the cloud over my spirit has moved on now.  A combination of things helped me get through bleakness: working out, taking vitamins, lots of time with friends, and getting out of town for a bit (to a truly sunny location!!). Ultimately, accepting the dark feelings and not judging myself for them helped a lot, as well. Gray clouds are going to come from time-to-time. While they are uncomfortable, they will not last forever, nor will the storm they encompass. Being honest about my darkness took away my fear of it, and gave me back a sense of ownership of myself. It wasn't easy and honestly I don't want to go through it again.

But I know I will, and on this side of things I know I can survive even an entire June of gray clouds.

The Light that Guides

Tonight, I find myself at age 36 sitting in a sparsely furnished tower apartment in Misawa, Aomori Prefecture, Japan. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be in Japan and even just a month ago I never pictured spending any significant time in the towers on base.

We moved here in July of 2018 and settled into a beautiful town home on the North side of base. Our belongings took forever to arrive, and when they did finally arrive we didn't have an abundance of time to unpack and decorate our home. It took me a long time to feel settled there, and quite honestly I just completed organizing closets this July, a full year later.  We loved to sit outside in the yard, admiring the golf course and the beautiful trees. We had an amazing view on a quiet street. It was dreamy.
Sure, the drive got annoying sometimes (a whole 11 minutes to school/work!) but for the most part we loved being able to retreat onto north base, away from everything on main base. That home felt like a gift from the Lord when we arrived in Misawa. He knew how terrified I was to be in Japan and my trepidation about living on base. This home and the privacy it provided felt like a giant hug when I first arrived.

So sitting here tonight knowing that home will no longer be our family home stirs a lot within me. I am overwhelmed with grief. I have been grieving this change the past few weeks.  I know that it is far better to move than it is to stay where carpets are filled with mold and things really need to be fixed. I don't want to risk that for myself or my family. I know it is the right decision and I'm so thankful base housing will allow us to move.

Yet this is so far beyond what I thought my time would be looking like right now. I imagined coming back from vacation and getting my children onto a good sleep routine again in order to prep for school to start. I envisioned working out and having time to work on my counseling continuing education courses once school started. I imagined starting off our Fall routines from a place of being settled, not from having my life in chaos once again. It feels like PSCing on an off year. I feel like I am losing a place I truly felt safe and enjoyed being.

Alongside this grief is this crazy feeling of being truly taken care of. I feel like I'm walking in a dark tunnel and every time I need to make a decision or know what lies ahead the light shows the way. I can't see too far ahead and there is a lot of uncertainty. But I can trust that I will see each step needed as I actually need to see it. Honestly, it has renewed my faith on a lot of levels. I want to daily live my life one step at a time, asking God which way I should go. The unknown is scary, yet the trust that is developed when the next step is revealed at just the right moment simply blows me away.

For now, I rest in a temporary apartment, five floors high in a tower on base. It has a few of our necessities, but mostly it feels like camping. We have had so many kind friends bring us food and watch our children. I have had endless encouraging messages from people. God's community is kind and good, even through our brokenness. What an encouragement His people have been to my soul.

Though this is radically outside of my plan for myself, I'm learning to lean into Him and trust that He sees our needs and will meet every one of them, in His good timing.

Connection

Over coffee with a friend this week, I listened to her story. I heard her talk about military life, the constant TDYs, the separation from extended family, and the never-ending needs of her children. She talked about a scary medical diagnosis in her family and her desire to connect more deeply with her spouse. We touched on how difficult it is to make friends and how painful it is to endure betrayal. Our children interrupted, needing potty help and snacks. Yet, we would bounce right back into conversation. She listened to me, too. I shared my own struggles with living overseas, surprise inconveniences of military life, and my difficulty living many different time zones away from my family and close friends.

We truly connected while sipping our from our coffee mugs. After we shared our lives with one another, I felt lighter. Not because anything had changed, but because I didn’t feel alone.

As I listened to her, I saw her deep joy mixed with confusion and a hint of fear. Her situation is drastically different from mine but her emotions feel eerily familiar. That emotional connection we shared reminds me that life is messy and hard and yet beautiful for everyone.

I have been going through my own stressful period in my life and I have been contemplating how people make it through the ups and downs of life. As I listened to my friend, I recognized that community provides such a jewel of hope in the midst of life’s chaos. I’m not talking about simply being around people. No, what is needed is a much deeper engagement of our souls.

True community does not come easily. Feeling connection with others requires I get out of my comfort zone and face the vulnerability of putting myself out there. It requires I stop gossiping and instead share personally about myself. In order to share about myself, I have to know myself, so that means I have to dig deep into my emotional world and discover what is truly happening inside of me.

Sometimes all of that work to get to real connection stops me from seeking it. Sometimes I try to share and I find the person isn’t trustworthy. But oh, when I bravely share and connect with people who are trustworthy, my burdens become lighter and the joy is multiplied.

This connection feels deeply spiritual to me, as it mimics what my Lord offers me in relationship with Him. His community of people are truly a gift.

March 20. The day the explosion hit.

Today a year ago, as I was putting the kids to bed, Josh received an email and immediately drove to the chapel. When I came downstairs after getting the kids situated I figured he had been called on an emergency, as that happened often when he was on call. But he showed back up a few minutes later, holding a piece of paper.

He said “I’m going to make you a margarita.  You need to sit down.”

After being a little playful about it, he let it out. He had received PCS orders to move our family.

Completely out of the blue. We weren’t expecting orders for at least another year.

The shock of that set in with a whirlwind of excitement and anticipation. Of course I immediately wanted to know WHERE.
The look on his face made me know he felt hesitant to tell me.

My heart pounding, I was like, ok. Tell me.

“Japan. Misawa, Japan.”

My first thought was.... honey there has been a terrible mistake. You misread the email. They sent you the wrong one. This can’t be real.

Then I felt every human emotion all at the same time. It surreal. I was terrified.

Many of my friends can tell you about my tears that flowed for days after receiving this info. The fear. The unknown. The sheer amount of work that needed to be done to get 5 people into a different country in just 3 months. I was absolutely terrified. And overwhelmed.

And I stayed in that state for months, as I hurriedly cleaned out my house, had a garage sale, listed my house for sale, went to 1 million appointments for myself and my kids to get clearance to move to Japan. Honestly I wanted to sabotage those efforts. I was swimming in emotions. Some deep part of me knew I needed to submit this to God’s calling and timing in my life. So I didn’t sabotage. But the temptation was REAL.

The preparation to move became my full time job. I had to let go of my job I had worked so hard to get up and running. I cried and cried. I attempted to trust. But it didn’t come naturally to me. I was in a state of fear and uncertainty.

With our July date looming, I felt so much pressure to do allthethings and see allthepeople. I fit so much into those 3 months.

And then we boarded a plane and landed in northern, rural Japan.
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Now it has been a year since the news of a move exploded into my life. Military life is full of compromise for the spouse. We are fully committed to supporting our service member. When our spouse gets orders, we also get orders. It is a family commitment to serve.

Today I feel so much compassion for a-year-ago-me. That was so intense. And it was hard. I came to Japan kicking and screaming.

 Logan is 3 months old! This little buddy has become extremely social over the past few weeks! All of our concerns about eye contact and smiling are gone. He just needed a few more weeks to get comfortable with us!  He smiles all the time and loves to be with people.  A lot of times my voice and looking at me can calm him down. Although he is RARELY fussy. He is seriously the most content baby!!! He just loves to be with us.

 Logan has been sleeping a little better, too. The past few nights he has slept 9 or so hours, but there are still some nights he only makes it about 6 before wanting some food. So he is doing really well, but it isn't super consistent yet.

 He is still wearing size 1 diapers. He goes through 7-9 of them a day.  I just put away most of his 0-3 month clothes. He can still wear some of the bigger items from that size, but most are too small.  It is crazy how fast babies grow!

 I am still breastfeeding him.  It is hard, but we have found a rhythm.  Most of the time I don't mind feeding him.  Sometimes I do feel a bit exhausted by it.  I am thankful I am able to meet this need for him right now.  He is becoming a much more efficient eater, and that helps!  And I always love cuddling him, so I try to look at it as another excuse to cuddle him! :)

 Hunter LOVES Logan so much. He is a great big brother. He sings to him often, loves to make him smile and always wants to know where he is!!! Adelyn loves him but is only into him sometimes.  Often she just can't be bothered with him!!

Logan is 2 months!

Logan is already 2 months old! 

This morning we had his 2 month check.
Here are his stats:

Weight: 12 lbs, 6 oz (63%)
Height: 23.5 inches (68%)
Head: 15 3/4 inches (50%)

He is growing so fast! He has incredible body strength-- rolling over and holding his head up, and always fighting to pull up off my chest when I hold him. Tummy time is a breeze for him-- except that he likes being near people! He would much rather have tummy time on top of me than on the floor.  He loves to cuddle and often his cries are simply because he wants to be near me. I LOVE being able to hold him and welcome cuddles almost anytime! :)

Logan eats 7-8 times a day and typically has a long stretch of sleep of about 6-7.5 hours long.  He is doing beautifully!

This month we have started to notice some of the downfalls of a baby coming early.  Since he was born at 36 weeks 5 days, we were warned that he may need to spend time in the NICU or have problems with his lungs. We were beyond thrilled when he was born with no complications that led to the NICU. He did have low blood sugar that required formula to be his first feeding and his blood to be checked every hour for about the first 20 hours. He had to have a car seat test for 90 minutes to ensure his heart and lungs could handle him being in a moving vehicle. And he struggled with jaundice for the first 5 weeks of his life. Nothing major.

This month we have noticed him not holding eye contact as long as a 2 month baby typically does. The doctor today was very encouraging, saying she thinks this is simply because he was born early, and therefore his eyes did not have as long to develop in utero. He does make eye contact, and he has started to socially smile in the past week, but it is much shorter and less frequent than I have experienced with my other babies.  I am thankful Dr. Mueller was encouraging today. We will watch this, but there is no need for major concern yet.

Also, Logan prefers to have his head facing left, and part of his head is getting flatter because of it! This is common with babies, and Dr. Mueller said this is also very common with babies born early.  We are going to spend time stretching out his neck to help him become more comfortable facing the other direction.

He got 2 shots today and an oral vaccination. He puked upon swallowing the oral meds. The doctor mentioned he may have a little reflux.  Logan prefers to be upright and does spit up more than any of my other babies.

Even with all of this, Logan is the calmest, sweetest little baby. He is usually pretty easy going and thus far has not found a place he won't sleep. We are so thankful for our little guy!!

To my son, before he starts Kindergarten

Dear Hunter,

This week you will pack up your Angry Bird's holographic back pack with number 2 pencils and a pink eraser and walk into the the doorway of the next chapter of your life.  I am so excited for you, dear boy.  You are bright, capable, sweet, and so affectionate.  Your heart is genuinely kind and you constantly amaze me with your understanding of the world.  I know Kindergarten is going to be so fun for you!

Love Bug, along with my excitement is a touch of sadness.  Having you around all day every day has been such a source of joy and blessing to me.  Especially in the past few months.  You are growing into such an incredible little boy. I am going to miss your face during the day!  I tell you this not to make you sad, but so that you know just how much you mean to me.  The decision to send you to Kindergarten is not one that your daddy and I have taken lightly.  We have spent hours praying over this decision and feel confident the Lord has guided us to enroll you.  Please know that I am thinking of you during the day, praying for you, wondering about you, and missing you.

I want to tell you a few things that are important for you to know as you start school.  Some of these lessons you will just have to learn along the way and some may not seem to make sense right now.  But as I think of you starting school, I think of the next 13 years of education and the social implications of it... and these things come to mind....

1. I love you. I know you know this.  I tell you daily.  I will continue to tell you daily.  But I want you to know it when I am not there to tell you.

2. There is nothing you can do to lose my love.  I am for you, dear son, and will always be on your side.

3. You matter.  You are a fun little boy and an amazing friend to have.  Go in confidence into the halls of your elementary school.  Your worth is not found in your academic excellence or your social abilities.  You cannot earn any more favor and worth than you have already obtained as a child of God.

4. Not everyone is kind.  You are good-natured and sweet, and you genuinely care for others.  Some people, and even some kids, are not going to be kind to you.  When you encounter this, please know it is okay to stand up for yourself and it is also okay to walk away from the situation.  It is important to be kind even in the face of unkindness, but you do not have to endure it.

5. The world is broken.  I hate this.  I have tried to shield you from as much of the brokenness as I have been capable of during your first 5 years of life.  The older you get the more of the brokenness you are going to see.  Beyond kids being unkind, you may learn about or see some things that are confusing or hurt your heart.  Please know you can always talk to me about these things.  I want to help you navigate this world, as I, too, am learning to navigate it.

6.  God loves you and He sees you.  Even in the most lonely times, God is with you. His love will surround you and I will be praying daily that his love will guide you and protect you.

7. You can enjoy life.  I hope you know this already and that it is never a question in your mind.  But just in case!  God made you to ENJOY life.  You can wholeheartedly embrace being a kindergartner and enjoy it, without fear!


I love you, son.  May this school year be full of fun and excitement and lots of new friends!! :)