2nd grade

Taking the plunge into homeschooling has been so good for our family. Homeschooling has changed the pace of my days and the time I am able to give to things outside my home. But oh my goodness it has enhanced my relationships with each of my kids (even though Hunter is still at public school). I feel more of a sense of calm at home than I have ever had since becoming a mom. Adelyn, Logan and I spend at least 20-30 minutes reading and memorizing scripture each morning as part of the literature, history, and geography curriculum. Adelyn just memorized and recited Psalm 100 to our family as her public speaking assignment. As a second grader, she is at such a sweet spot to soak up worldview lessons and to actually desire to listen to my thoughts and opinions. I can see seeds being planted in her soul that I know will be there forever. I pray the Lord waters those seeds and uses His word to encourage her and sustain her for the rest of her life.

Of course I would pray this over her before I homeschooled but now I get the rare opportunity to pour into her intentionally for 3+ hours a day.  This fills me with such awe and amazement- that I get to shape her growth in so many areas of her life.

As I'm pouring into her, I feel my soul being shaped as well. I am in less of a hurry, I am more aware of how I can be impatient with my kids, and I'm feeling less need to be away from my kids during the day. God is growing me and stretching me and yet He is also providing for my needs in new ways. 

I'm really grateful for this opportunity and I am entrusting the Lord with my kids future education. I am finding myself more open to continuing to teach them at home. One day at a time! 

Daily Prayer

Wake me out of slumber 

Tease out passiveness

Shoo away complacency 

Wipe away fear 

Shut my mind to lies

Stop comparisons 

Embrace messiness

Behold my brokenness

Accept Grace

Make my feet move to your rhythm

My mind steadfast upon the Truth 

Turn my eyes to gaze on Holy

Rest, not stress

“Where there is a lack of rest there is an abundance of stress.” - Lisa Terkeurst

Well this quote hit me between the eyes today. 

I have been so stressed. Like beyond stressed. I keep finding mold every time I drive to north base and peer inside my old house. My body and mind shut down every time I’m there, overwhelmed with the work that needs to happen and the sheer amount of loss we are having to endure. Yesterday our losses included my insulated shopping bag and Adelyn’s sparkly shoes. The day before we found mold on one of my dresses and on one of Josh’s suits. It just keeps adding up and my blood pressure keeps increasing. 

At this point our loss is about $6,000. 

At the end of the day, it is just stuff. And we are so thankful for our health and for no longer sleeping in that space. We have been provided a clean, safe place to sleep as all of this gets sorted out. I’m seriously thankful that the base has given us this. 

Yet the stress continues to pile on, sometimes at a rate that makes me want to scream “uncle!!!” And run away. 

We should have already been in our new place by this point but due to Josh’s job we are still in limbo. Our items are becoming moldier by the day. But God knew all of this, and I know he hasn’t forgotten us. And yes I know this is first world problem, no doubt. Even so, it is a lot to process. I really liked my living room furniture and decor. 

All of this loss is outside of my control. Stress is a natural response to dealing with it. I don’t blame myself and I wouldn’t blame anyone going through this for feeling stressed and unable to function on a normal level. 

But God. 

It’s really the only antidote. 

God calls me to rest upon Him, not stress myself to the point of not being able to function.  He is my mighty rock and salvation. He goes before and hems me in and asks that I have faith through thick and thin. 

That is what I did today. I didn’t stress, rather I took my family out to eat and to explore the beauty in Japan. I watched my kids climb rocks and eat fluffy pancakes rather than asking them to clean and sort every inch of their rooms. It was a conscious choice to not work today. While I have some anxiety about “wasting” today, deep down I know it wasn’t a waste by any means. Josh’s days off are few and far between. And our kids are growing by the second. So today, trusting God and enjoying my family is much more important than anything mold can destroy. 

My hope is in the Lord. Whatever moth and rust (and mold) can destroy is not worth sacrificing this hope and rest. 

Only by his grace I did enjoy today, and I laid beside my worries. 

Gray Clouds

The sun is shining, the air feels light and the breeze provides just enough chill.  Even without air conditioning, I'm not too hot.  In other words, today is one of the few sunny, pleasant days in Misawa.

I didn't realize at this time last year how rare these days are in Misawa. Having moved here last July, I assumed these beautiful August/September days had been happening all summer. This year, I  had a very harsh realization in June and July, when I discovered most of the days were gray and dreary. In fact there is a term on base for Misawa June: "June-uary."  It is June but it feels much closer to the dark days of January than what you would expect from a June. Honestly, of the 14 months we have lived here, June and the beginning of July were the absolute hardest for me. We survived 6+ months of snow and lots of dreary days. When it was time for summer to be here, I felt like I had "earned" it. I did my best to have a positive attitude through the long (long, long, long) winter and I had finally made it to June. I expected the sun.

When it didn't show up, my heart sank. As a desert girl, I longed for the days of endless sunshine to brown my skin and warm my soul. My expectations of an outdoor summer with my kids were met with the  reality of gray, overcast dreariness. My insides began to match the weather outside. I felt a huge cloud settle right over my positive spirit.

Honestly, there were lots of things that contributed to this cloudy spirit, but the weather is the easiest to blame. 
Thankfully, the cloud over my spirit has moved on now.  A combination of things helped me get through bleakness: working out, taking vitamins, lots of time with friends, and getting out of town for a bit (to a truly sunny location!!). Ultimately, accepting the dark feelings and not judging myself for them helped a lot, as well. Gray clouds are going to come from time-to-time. While they are uncomfortable, they will not last forever, nor will the storm they encompass. Being honest about my darkness took away my fear of it, and gave me back a sense of ownership of myself. It wasn't easy and honestly I don't want to go through it again.

But I know I will, and on this side of things I know I can survive even an entire June of gray clouds.

The Light that Guides

Tonight, I find myself at age 36 sitting in a sparsely furnished tower apartment in Misawa, Aomori Prefecture, Japan. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be in Japan and even just a month ago I never pictured spending any significant time in the towers on base.

We moved here in July of 2018 and settled into a beautiful town home on the North side of base. Our belongings took forever to arrive, and when they did finally arrive we didn't have an abundance of time to unpack and decorate our home. It took me a long time to feel settled there, and quite honestly I just completed organizing closets this July, a full year later.  We loved to sit outside in the yard, admiring the golf course and the beautiful trees. We had an amazing view on a quiet street. It was dreamy.
Sure, the drive got annoying sometimes (a whole 11 minutes to school/work!) but for the most part we loved being able to retreat onto north base, away from everything on main base. That home felt like a gift from the Lord when we arrived in Misawa. He knew how terrified I was to be in Japan and my trepidation about living on base. This home and the privacy it provided felt like a giant hug when I first arrived.

So sitting here tonight knowing that home will no longer be our family home stirs a lot within me. I am overwhelmed with grief. I have been grieving this change the past few weeks.  I know that it is far better to move than it is to stay where carpets are filled with mold and things really need to be fixed. I don't want to risk that for myself or my family. I know it is the right decision and I'm so thankful base housing will allow us to move.

Yet this is so far beyond what I thought my time would be looking like right now. I imagined coming back from vacation and getting my children onto a good sleep routine again in order to prep for school to start. I envisioned working out and having time to work on my counseling continuing education courses once school started. I imagined starting off our Fall routines from a place of being settled, not from having my life in chaos once again. It feels like PSCing on an off year. I feel like I am losing a place I truly felt safe and enjoyed being.

Alongside this grief is this crazy feeling of being truly taken care of. I feel like I'm walking in a dark tunnel and every time I need to make a decision or know what lies ahead the light shows the way. I can't see too far ahead and there is a lot of uncertainty. But I can trust that I will see each step needed as I actually need to see it. Honestly, it has renewed my faith on a lot of levels. I want to daily live my life one step at a time, asking God which way I should go. The unknown is scary, yet the trust that is developed when the next step is revealed at just the right moment simply blows me away.

For now, I rest in a temporary apartment, five floors high in a tower on base. It has a few of our necessities, but mostly it feels like camping. We have had so many kind friends bring us food and watch our children. I have had endless encouraging messages from people. God's community is kind and good, even through our brokenness. What an encouragement His people have been to my soul.

Though this is radically outside of my plan for myself, I'm learning to lean into Him and trust that He sees our needs and will meet every one of them, in His good timing.

Connection

Over coffee with a friend this week, I listened to her story. I heard her talk about military life, the constant TDYs, the separation from extended family, and the never-ending needs of her children. She talked about a scary medical diagnosis in her family and her desire to connect more deeply with her spouse. We touched on how difficult it is to make friends and how painful it is to endure betrayal. Our children interrupted, needing potty help and snacks. Yet, we would bounce right back into conversation. She listened to me, too. I shared my own struggles with living overseas, surprise inconveniences of military life, and my difficulty living many different time zones away from my family and close friends.

We truly connected while sipping our from our coffee mugs. After we shared our lives with one another, I felt lighter. Not because anything had changed, but because I didn’t feel alone.

As I listened to her, I saw her deep joy mixed with confusion and a hint of fear. Her situation is drastically different from mine but her emotions feel eerily familiar. That emotional connection we shared reminds me that life is messy and hard and yet beautiful for everyone.

I have been going through my own stressful period in my life and I have been contemplating how people make it through the ups and downs of life. As I listened to my friend, I recognized that community provides such a jewel of hope in the midst of life’s chaos. I’m not talking about simply being around people. No, what is needed is a much deeper engagement of our souls.

True community does not come easily. Feeling connection with others requires I get out of my comfort zone and face the vulnerability of putting myself out there. It requires I stop gossiping and instead share personally about myself. In order to share about myself, I have to know myself, so that means I have to dig deep into my emotional world and discover what is truly happening inside of me.

Sometimes all of that work to get to real connection stops me from seeking it. Sometimes I try to share and I find the person isn’t trustworthy. But oh, when I bravely share and connect with people who are trustworthy, my burdens become lighter and the joy is multiplied.

This connection feels deeply spiritual to me, as it mimics what my Lord offers me in relationship with Him. His community of people are truly a gift.

March 20. The day the explosion hit.

Today a year ago, as I was putting the kids to bed, Josh received an email and immediately drove to the chapel. When I came downstairs after getting the kids situated I figured he had been called on an emergency, as that happened often when he was on call. But he showed back up a few minutes later, holding a piece of paper.

He said “I’m going to make you a margarita.  You need to sit down.”

After being a little playful about it, he let it out. He had received PCS orders to move our family.

Completely out of the blue. We weren’t expecting orders for at least another year.

The shock of that set in with a whirlwind of excitement and anticipation. Of course I immediately wanted to know WHERE.
The look on his face made me know he felt hesitant to tell me.

My heart pounding, I was like, ok. Tell me.

“Japan. Misawa, Japan.”

My first thought was.... honey there has been a terrible mistake. You misread the email. They sent you the wrong one. This can’t be real.

Then I felt every human emotion all at the same time. It surreal. I was terrified.

Many of my friends can tell you about my tears that flowed for days after receiving this info. The fear. The unknown. The sheer amount of work that needed to be done to get 5 people into a different country in just 3 months. I was absolutely terrified. And overwhelmed.

And I stayed in that state for months, as I hurriedly cleaned out my house, had a garage sale, listed my house for sale, went to 1 million appointments for myself and my kids to get clearance to move to Japan. Honestly I wanted to sabotage those efforts. I was swimming in emotions. Some deep part of me knew I needed to submit this to God’s calling and timing in my life. So I didn’t sabotage. But the temptation was REAL.

The preparation to move became my full time job. I had to let go of my job I had worked so hard to get up and running. I cried and cried. I attempted to trust. But it didn’t come naturally to me. I was in a state of fear and uncertainty.

With our July date looming, I felt so much pressure to do allthethings and see allthepeople. I fit so much into those 3 months.

And then we boarded a plane and landed in northern, rural Japan.
——————————
Now it has been a year since the news of a move exploded into my life. Military life is full of compromise for the spouse. We are fully committed to supporting our service member. When our spouse gets orders, we also get orders. It is a family commitment to serve.

Today I feel so much compassion for a-year-ago-me. That was so intense. And it was hard. I came to Japan kicking and screaming.

 Logan is 3 months old! This little buddy has become extremely social over the past few weeks! All of our concerns about eye contact and smiling are gone. He just needed a few more weeks to get comfortable with us!  He smiles all the time and loves to be with people.  A lot of times my voice and looking at me can calm him down. Although he is RARELY fussy. He is seriously the most content baby!!! He just loves to be with us.

 Logan has been sleeping a little better, too. The past few nights he has slept 9 or so hours, but there are still some nights he only makes it about 6 before wanting some food. So he is doing really well, but it isn't super consistent yet.

 He is still wearing size 1 diapers. He goes through 7-9 of them a day.  I just put away most of his 0-3 month clothes. He can still wear some of the bigger items from that size, but most are too small.  It is crazy how fast babies grow!

 I am still breastfeeding him.  It is hard, but we have found a rhythm.  Most of the time I don't mind feeding him.  Sometimes I do feel a bit exhausted by it.  I am thankful I am able to meet this need for him right now.  He is becoming a much more efficient eater, and that helps!  And I always love cuddling him, so I try to look at it as another excuse to cuddle him! :)

 Hunter LOVES Logan so much. He is a great big brother. He sings to him often, loves to make him smile and always wants to know where he is!!! Adelyn loves him but is only into him sometimes.  Often she just can't be bothered with him!!

Logan is 2 months!

Logan is already 2 months old! 

This morning we had his 2 month check.
Here are his stats:

Weight: 12 lbs, 6 oz (63%)
Height: 23.5 inches (68%)
Head: 15 3/4 inches (50%)

He is growing so fast! He has incredible body strength-- rolling over and holding his head up, and always fighting to pull up off my chest when I hold him. Tummy time is a breeze for him-- except that he likes being near people! He would much rather have tummy time on top of me than on the floor.  He loves to cuddle and often his cries are simply because he wants to be near me. I LOVE being able to hold him and welcome cuddles almost anytime! :)

Logan eats 7-8 times a day and typically has a long stretch of sleep of about 6-7.5 hours long.  He is doing beautifully!

This month we have started to notice some of the downfalls of a baby coming early.  Since he was born at 36 weeks 5 days, we were warned that he may need to spend time in the NICU or have problems with his lungs. We were beyond thrilled when he was born with no complications that led to the NICU. He did have low blood sugar that required formula to be his first feeding and his blood to be checked every hour for about the first 20 hours. He had to have a car seat test for 90 minutes to ensure his heart and lungs could handle him being in a moving vehicle. And he struggled with jaundice for the first 5 weeks of his life. Nothing major.

This month we have noticed him not holding eye contact as long as a 2 month baby typically does. The doctor today was very encouraging, saying she thinks this is simply because he was born early, and therefore his eyes did not have as long to develop in utero. He does make eye contact, and he has started to socially smile in the past week, but it is much shorter and less frequent than I have experienced with my other babies.  I am thankful Dr. Mueller was encouraging today. We will watch this, but there is no need for major concern yet.

Also, Logan prefers to have his head facing left, and part of his head is getting flatter because of it! This is common with babies, and Dr. Mueller said this is also very common with babies born early.  We are going to spend time stretching out his neck to help him become more comfortable facing the other direction.

He got 2 shots today and an oral vaccination. He puked upon swallowing the oral meds. The doctor mentioned he may have a little reflux.  Logan prefers to be upright and does spit up more than any of my other babies.

Even with all of this, Logan is the calmest, sweetest little baby. He is usually pretty easy going and thus far has not found a place he won't sleep. We are so thankful for our little guy!!

To my son, before he starts Kindergarten

Dear Hunter,

This week you will pack up your Angry Bird's holographic back pack with number 2 pencils and a pink eraser and walk into the the doorway of the next chapter of your life.  I am so excited for you, dear boy.  You are bright, capable, sweet, and so affectionate.  Your heart is genuinely kind and you constantly amaze me with your understanding of the world.  I know Kindergarten is going to be so fun for you!

Love Bug, along with my excitement is a touch of sadness.  Having you around all day every day has been such a source of joy and blessing to me.  Especially in the past few months.  You are growing into such an incredible little boy. I am going to miss your face during the day!  I tell you this not to make you sad, but so that you know just how much you mean to me.  The decision to send you to Kindergarten is not one that your daddy and I have taken lightly.  We have spent hours praying over this decision and feel confident the Lord has guided us to enroll you.  Please know that I am thinking of you during the day, praying for you, wondering about you, and missing you.

I want to tell you a few things that are important for you to know as you start school.  Some of these lessons you will just have to learn along the way and some may not seem to make sense right now.  But as I think of you starting school, I think of the next 13 years of education and the social implications of it... and these things come to mind....

1. I love you. I know you know this.  I tell you daily.  I will continue to tell you daily.  But I want you to know it when I am not there to tell you.

2. There is nothing you can do to lose my love.  I am for you, dear son, and will always be on your side.

3. You matter.  You are a fun little boy and an amazing friend to have.  Go in confidence into the halls of your elementary school.  Your worth is not found in your academic excellence or your social abilities.  You cannot earn any more favor and worth than you have already obtained as a child of God.

4. Not everyone is kind.  You are good-natured and sweet, and you genuinely care for others.  Some people, and even some kids, are not going to be kind to you.  When you encounter this, please know it is okay to stand up for yourself and it is also okay to walk away from the situation.  It is important to be kind even in the face of unkindness, but you do not have to endure it.

5. The world is broken.  I hate this.  I have tried to shield you from as much of the brokenness as I have been capable of during your first 5 years of life.  The older you get the more of the brokenness you are going to see.  Beyond kids being unkind, you may learn about or see some things that are confusing or hurt your heart.  Please know you can always talk to me about these things.  I want to help you navigate this world, as I, too, am learning to navigate it.

6.  God loves you and He sees you.  Even in the most lonely times, God is with you. His love will surround you and I will be praying daily that his love will guide you and protect you.

7. You can enjoy life.  I hope you know this already and that it is never a question in your mind.  But just in case!  God made you to ENJOY life.  You can wholeheartedly embrace being a kindergartner and enjoy it, without fear!


I love you, son.  May this school year be full of fun and excitement and lots of new friends!! :)

Hunter is FIVE!

1. How old are you?  five! five, mommy, five!

2. What is your favorite animal? a penguin!

3. What is your favorite thing to eat?  French Fries!

4. What is your favorite game?  Angry Birds-- you knew that, mommy, you did!  You know the birthday questions already.
5. What do you like to play with daddy? Wrestling.  

6. What is your favorite TV show? Angry Birds Cartoons

7. What is your favorite movie? Cars & Angry Birds Rio

8. What is your favorite color?  Blue

9. What is your favorite sport? Baseball. Who do you root for?  I don't root for anybody. 

12. What is your favorite book?   My Angry Birds book that I made.

13.  What do you like to do with mommy?  play with you!  Play Angry Birds with you!

14. What do you like to do with Adelyn? Play with her!  I like to play blocks with her. 

15. What do you think of our new house? I don't like it.  Because I don't like houses.  Because they are not very nice.  

16. What is your favorite Angry Bird? The BOMB!

17.  Who is your best friend? Owen.  

18. What do you want to be when you grow up? The Bomb! hehehe.  An Angry Birds maker.  I want to make movies and cartoons.  The Bomb would be making things! It would be so funny if a Bird was trying to make stuff- it would be so funny because a birdie doesn't make stuff!

19. What was your favorite gift for your birthday this year?  The fluffy birdies!  

Show & Tell

Today my little boy is the line leader at school.  That means he gets to lead the line to enter the classroom, to the playground, and any other line they form.  AND, it means it is his show and tell day!

Hunter has been anxiously awaiting this day all week!  We spent several hours yesterday combing through his Cars collection to pick 10 cars to show his classmates. Each choice was made with extreme particularity... would the other students have this car?  Have they seen this one before?  Do they know how this launcher works?  It was an intense decision... and in the end, we let him take 12 cars.  I love seeing his excitement over sharing his treasures with his classmates!

He also chose a red plush Angry Bird and two toy green piggies from Angry Birds.

For snack time, he chose colored goldfish, chocolate graham crackers, popcorn, and fruit snacks.  He said if he brought a book the teachers would read it during class time.  SO... He decided to bring a book that he has been writing all year... He loves to do creative story telling and from time to time he asks Josh and I to write down the stories he tells.  He started a notebook with all of his Angry Bird Stickers and asks us to write in that notebook.  I am excited that he wants to share his creativity with his class.... that is such a brave, bold move.

This morning as he was about to leave, he was grinning from ear-to-ear.   He said, "I might get to pray!!"  I asked him what he meant.  He said, "The line leader gets to pray for snack time!  Today is my day!"

I am so proud of Hunter and love watching him grow.  This exercise at school is growing his confidence in who he is and his ability to share his interests with others. I am so thankful this school year has been a positive experience so far!

Hunter's PreK Christmas Performance- Dec. 19, 2013

Hunter is second from the left-- the letter 'B'! :)

This One Time I Graduated...

On May 17, I graduated from Covenant Theological Seminary with a Master's of Arts in Counseling degree.  There are days I still feel in shock over this accomplishment!  When we came to St. Louis, I had a hope of working on this degree, but assumed I would never be accepted into the program.  I am so thankful I was and that I got to spend 3 years soaking up the grace of the gospel and dreaming about serving people through counseling.  It was quite a roller coaster and at times it felt completely insurmountable.  Doing this intense program while simultaneously learning how to be a mom and then having my second child oftentimes felt overwhelming.  But I wouldn't trade it!!

MAC Internship Class of 2013!

The weekend started with a Baccalaureate service.  So thankful my mom was able to come!

We had Pi pizza right before graduation.  Such a fun outing!

This is my internship group.  I spent the year with these amazing men and women, growing, learning, feeling completely vulnerable, and learning how to counsel others.  It was one of the best experiences of my life.  I am so thankful for each of these people!  Especially my supervisor, Suzanne Bates.  The Lord used her to grow me and encourage me all year... 

CTS Class of 2013.

GETTING HOODED!!  Dr. Pfuetze & Dr. Winter gave my my hood.

One of my favorite moments of the evening.... after I came off stage, Hunter came running toward me.  I love how excited he was for me... makes me tear up even now to remember how sweet he was!

This is my other favorite moment of the night.... and Josh was right there to capture it!  My supervisor was at the bottom of the stage right after I got hooded.  She blessed me so much this year... 

 

 Pictures after the ceremony.....

 The next day I was able to pick up my actual degree!  Here I am with all my graduation cards and letters.  I felt so celebrated!!!

Now I am a PLPC at CrossRoads Counseling Centers in Saint Louis.  Here is my headshot for the web site.  So far I am loving this job!

First Day of Pre K

As I am typing this, Hunter is at his first day of Pre K!  I think he was really nervous, but we talked a lot about it on Monday and Tuesday and this morning I saw a hint of excitement in his eyes (along with the nerves!).  


On Sunday, we decided to pursue a Pre K that is three times a week and really close to our house.  When I began to look into it, I realized that the parent orientation and the open house was THE NEXT DAY!  So I got busy filling out the paper work, looking for a carpool, and figuring out our budget.

(closer to how he actually felt!)

Monday morning I opened the computer to show Hunter pictures of his potential new school and he got big tears in his eyes.  He said in a nervous voice, "When are you going to pick me up?!?"  I just held him and told him it was normal to be nervous and that I get afraid when something new is happening in my life as well.  His tears ceased, but his fears did not.
  
Next thing I knew, we were interviewing at the school and meeting his teacher.  Hunter was adamant that this "was not a preschool day" and that I needed to stay with him the whole time.  I agreed happily!   It is a wonderful place.  His classroom has several class pets including a rat, fish, and a snail.  Hunter was most excited to see that there were Legos in his classroom.  His next big excitement came when he saw the playground!  We have another interview next Monday to make it all official, but in the mean time, Hunter is able to attend and get started at the same time as his other classmates.

This morning I think he was very nervous.  He didn't make it to the potty on time which is something he RARELY does anymore.  He insisted on bringing his brown blankie with him in the car, which is again something he almost never does anymore.  And he clung to me as I walked him to his classroom...
   

I choked back tears until I got to the car, but then they came.  I am so happy for him and I think this is a great opportunity for him.  But taking him to school today symbolizes how much my baby has grown.  My tiny 8 pound baby has grown into an amazing four year old.  He has a back pack and a classroom to attend. I realize he is only four and this is just three mornings a week.  But it is beginning a new season of life in our family.

So this morning, Adelyn and I have gone grocery shopping, done some laundry, watched elmo, and cuddled.  It is so quiet!



In his Pre K class there are 9 kids and we happen to know 5 of them.  That is a huge blessing!

Thankful for this opportunity.  What a blessing it is to raise children.....

Parenting imperfectly

Parenting is hard.  It is an "always" sort of job that at some point in the last four years has started to feel like normal life.  Caring for little people is now firmly woven into my daily routines.  But it is ever changing.  Just when i get comfortable in a pattern, the kids' needs change and we need to re-think how we nurture them.  The ever changing part of things is exhausting.  The past several weeks I have become more aware of the selfishness that is deeply rooted into me.

I read a blog recently about how it is easier to serve the homeless and go on mission trips than it is to speak nicely to your husband and deeply care for your children.  This really got me thinking.  Serving people for a few hours one day, or even for a few months, is sustainable.  It does cost something, yet you are still able to keep a large part of yourself free from exposure and vulnerability.  When you live with people, especially people dependent upon you for their every need, it is much harder to hide the deeper facets of your heart.

I can love my kids well and serve them well for a few hours or even a few weeks.  I can be lovingly attentive to their needs.  I think there are times I am good at it.  But then there are seasons of life, like the one I am currently in, where caring for them feels like a cheese grater on my skin. It doesn't come naturally and I have little desire to sacrifice on their behalf.  I am not sure if it is related to their new developmental stages or to just my own sheer exhaustion, but lately, parenting has felt at odds with my own desires.  My commitment to my own plans has caused me to look past my kids more than once. And it has shocked me.

It has been upsetting.  I am saddened to see my own sin.  It has exposed my own need of something greater than myself and that in and of itself can be frustrating, especially in a world that glorifies self-sufficiency.  Seeing my own brokenness can, at times, be depressing.  In some ways, the depressing feelings are holy, because my heart should break over my sin.  At other times, the depression is rooted in a desire to be my own god; to attain perfection and independence that is outside the scope of what is good for me.

My sin, as awful as it is to look at in the face, draws me closer to my Savior.  It is exposes the truth. Even though the vulnerability is scary, Christ provides me more than enough when I press through my fears and embrace the Gospel truth:  I will never be good enough. And that is okay.  Christ was and is good enough for me.

For me, parenting is the route that God uses to expose my great need of Him.  It is hard. But it is good.

"Your grace is enough! Your grace is enough!  Your grace is enough for me!!"

18 months!

Adelyn is 18 months old!  And cute as ever.

18 month Stats:
Height: 31 inches (12th percentile)
Weight: 20 lbs, 11 oz (4th percentile)
Head: 18.25 inches (42nd percentile)

This little sweetheart is outgoing, friendly, and has the fire in her to stand up for herself.  She sweetly says "Hiiiiii" and waves to nearly everyone when we are out, so she quickly wins people over.

Adelyn walks well and runs a little.  She can go up stairs nicely, but she is more cautious going down (I think that is a good thing!).  Normally going down stairs she will sit down and go down one stair, stand up, turn to me holding out her arms and say, "Hold me!"
  
She is a still an adventurous eater.  Her favorites right now are any fruits, crackers, cheese, and milk.  She still likes beans, too.  We are working on getting her to eat more meat.  Often she will want to eat whatever is on my plate or on Josh's plate-- even when it is the exact same thing as what is on her plate!  It just looks better to her if it is offered to someone else! :)  She notices everything, so if we do happen to have something she doesn't, she will demand a taste.  Because of this, she has tried a lot of different foods-- hot salsa, coke zero, lemons, spicy chips... things I would never offer a toddler, but she seems to enjoy!
  
She sleeps through the night most nights, unless she is sick or cutting a tooth.  When that happens, she can pull all nighters with the best of them.  We are down to just one nap a day and that nap is usually about 2 hours, sometimes up to 3.

Here are some of her recent words.  She has a cute voice and it is nice that she is able to communicate!
Mine
Cheese
Cookie
Book
Door
Please (Peeeease!)
Bob (as in Bob the Builder)
Milk
Play (paaay!)
Bird
Color
Home
Help
Hot
Amen
Pray
Balloon
Potty
Elmo
Ummm...
Monkey


Adelyn loves her brother and he loves her.  That is sweet.  He pushes her buttons, though, and she has learned how to "tattle" on him-- and how to take things into her own hands.  He has been shocked a few times recently to be pushed down by his little sister.  Once she even slapped his bottom after he wouldn't get out of her face.  Josh and I were both here and it took everything in us not to laugh!  Hunter was completely shocked.