To my son, before he starts Kindergarten

Dear Hunter,

This week you will pack up your Angry Bird's holographic back pack with number 2 pencils and a pink eraser and walk into the the doorway of the next chapter of your life.  I am so excited for you, dear boy.  You are bright, capable, sweet, and so affectionate.  Your heart is genuinely kind and you constantly amaze me with your understanding of the world.  I know Kindergarten is going to be so fun for you!

Love Bug, along with my excitement is a touch of sadness.  Having you around all day every day has been such a source of joy and blessing to me.  Especially in the past few months.  You are growing into such an incredible little boy. I am going to miss your face during the day!  I tell you this not to make you sad, but so that you know just how much you mean to me.  The decision to send you to Kindergarten is not one that your daddy and I have taken lightly.  We have spent hours praying over this decision and feel confident the Lord has guided us to enroll you.  Please know that I am thinking of you during the day, praying for you, wondering about you, and missing you.

I want to tell you a few things that are important for you to know as you start school.  Some of these lessons you will just have to learn along the way and some may not seem to make sense right now.  But as I think of you starting school, I think of the next 13 years of education and the social implications of it... and these things come to mind....

1. I love you. I know you know this.  I tell you daily.  I will continue to tell you daily.  But I want you to know it when I am not there to tell you.

2. There is nothing you can do to lose my love.  I am for you, dear son, and will always be on your side.

3. You matter.  You are a fun little boy and an amazing friend to have.  Go in confidence into the halls of your elementary school.  Your worth is not found in your academic excellence or your social abilities.  You cannot earn any more favor and worth than you have already obtained as a child of God.

4. Not everyone is kind.  You are good-natured and sweet, and you genuinely care for others.  Some people, and even some kids, are not going to be kind to you.  When you encounter this, please know it is okay to stand up for yourself and it is also okay to walk away from the situation.  It is important to be kind even in the face of unkindness, but you do not have to endure it.

5. The world is broken.  I hate this.  I have tried to shield you from as much of the brokenness as I have been capable of during your first 5 years of life.  The older you get the more of the brokenness you are going to see.  Beyond kids being unkind, you may learn about or see some things that are confusing or hurt your heart.  Please know you can always talk to me about these things.  I want to help you navigate this world, as I, too, am learning to navigate it.

6.  God loves you and He sees you.  Even in the most lonely times, God is with you. His love will surround you and I will be praying daily that his love will guide you and protect you.

7. You can enjoy life.  I hope you know this already and that it is never a question in your mind.  But just in case!  God made you to ENJOY life.  You can wholeheartedly embrace being a kindergartner and enjoy it, without fear!


I love you, son.  May this school year be full of fun and excitement and lots of new friends!! :)

Hunter is FIVE!

1. How old are you?  five! five, mommy, five!

2. What is your favorite animal? a penguin!

3. What is your favorite thing to eat?  French Fries!

4. What is your favorite game?  Angry Birds-- you knew that, mommy, you did!  You know the birthday questions already.
5. What do you like to play with daddy? Wrestling.  

6. What is your favorite TV show? Angry Birds Cartoons

7. What is your favorite movie? Cars & Angry Birds Rio

8. What is your favorite color?  Blue

9. What is your favorite sport? Baseball. Who do you root for?  I don't root for anybody. 

12. What is your favorite book?   My Angry Birds book that I made.

13.  What do you like to do with mommy?  play with you!  Play Angry Birds with you!

14. What do you like to do with Adelyn? Play with her!  I like to play blocks with her. 

15. What do you think of our new house? I don't like it.  Because I don't like houses.  Because they are not very nice.  

16. What is your favorite Angry Bird? The BOMB!

17.  Who is your best friend? Owen.  

18. What do you want to be when you grow up? The Bomb! hehehe.  An Angry Birds maker.  I want to make movies and cartoons.  The Bomb would be making things! It would be so funny if a Bird was trying to make stuff- it would be so funny because a birdie doesn't make stuff!

19. What was your favorite gift for your birthday this year?  The fluffy birdies!  

Show & Tell

Today my little boy is the line leader at school.  That means he gets to lead the line to enter the classroom, to the playground, and any other line they form.  AND, it means it is his show and tell day!

Hunter has been anxiously awaiting this day all week!  We spent several hours yesterday combing through his Cars collection to pick 10 cars to show his classmates. Each choice was made with extreme particularity... would the other students have this car?  Have they seen this one before?  Do they know how this launcher works?  It was an intense decision... and in the end, we let him take 12 cars.  I love seeing his excitement over sharing his treasures with his classmates!

He also chose a red plush Angry Bird and two toy green piggies from Angry Birds.

For snack time, he chose colored goldfish, chocolate graham crackers, popcorn, and fruit snacks.  He said if he brought a book the teachers would read it during class time.  SO... He decided to bring a book that he has been writing all year... He loves to do creative story telling and from time to time he asks Josh and I to write down the stories he tells.  He started a notebook with all of his Angry Bird Stickers and asks us to write in that notebook.  I am excited that he wants to share his creativity with his class.... that is such a brave, bold move.

This morning as he was about to leave, he was grinning from ear-to-ear.   He said, "I might get to pray!!"  I asked him what he meant.  He said, "The line leader gets to pray for snack time!  Today is my day!"

I am so proud of Hunter and love watching him grow.  This exercise at school is growing his confidence in who he is and his ability to share his interests with others. I am so thankful this school year has been a positive experience so far!

Hunter's PreK Christmas Performance- Dec. 19, 2013

Hunter is second from the left-- the letter 'B'! :)

This One Time I Graduated...

On May 17, I graduated from Covenant Theological Seminary with a Master's of Arts in Counseling degree.  There are days I still feel in shock over this accomplishment!  When we came to St. Louis, I had a hope of working on this degree, but assumed I would never be accepted into the program.  I am so thankful I was and that I got to spend 3 years soaking up the grace of the gospel and dreaming about serving people through counseling.  It was quite a roller coaster and at times it felt completely insurmountable.  Doing this intense program while simultaneously learning how to be a mom and then having my second child oftentimes felt overwhelming.  But I wouldn't trade it!!

MAC Internship Class of 2013!

The weekend started with a Baccalaureate service.  So thankful my mom was able to come!

We had Pi pizza right before graduation.  Such a fun outing!

This is my internship group.  I spent the year with these amazing men and women, growing, learning, feeling completely vulnerable, and learning how to counsel others.  It was one of the best experiences of my life.  I am so thankful for each of these people!  Especially my supervisor, Suzanne Bates.  The Lord used her to grow me and encourage me all year... 

CTS Class of 2013.

GETTING HOODED!!  Dr. Pfuetze & Dr. Winter gave my my hood.

One of my favorite moments of the evening.... after I came off stage, Hunter came running toward me.  I love how excited he was for me... makes me tear up even now to remember how sweet he was!

This is my other favorite moment of the night.... and Josh was right there to capture it!  My supervisor was at the bottom of the stage right after I got hooded.  She blessed me so much this year... 

 

 Pictures after the ceremony.....

 The next day I was able to pick up my actual degree!  Here I am with all my graduation cards and letters.  I felt so celebrated!!!

Now I am a PLPC at CrossRoads Counseling Centers in Saint Louis.  Here is my headshot for the web site.  So far I am loving this job!

First Day of Pre K

As I am typing this, Hunter is at his first day of Pre K!  I think he was really nervous, but we talked a lot about it on Monday and Tuesday and this morning I saw a hint of excitement in his eyes (along with the nerves!).  


On Sunday, we decided to pursue a Pre K that is three times a week and really close to our house.  When I began to look into it, I realized that the parent orientation and the open house was THE NEXT DAY!  So I got busy filling out the paper work, looking for a carpool, and figuring out our budget.

(closer to how he actually felt!)

Monday morning I opened the computer to show Hunter pictures of his potential new school and he got big tears in his eyes.  He said in a nervous voice, "When are you going to pick me up?!?"  I just held him and told him it was normal to be nervous and that I get afraid when something new is happening in my life as well.  His tears ceased, but his fears did not.
  
Next thing I knew, we were interviewing at the school and meeting his teacher.  Hunter was adamant that this "was not a preschool day" and that I needed to stay with him the whole time.  I agreed happily!   It is a wonderful place.  His classroom has several class pets including a rat, fish, and a snail.  Hunter was most excited to see that there were Legos in his classroom.  His next big excitement came when he saw the playground!  We have another interview next Monday to make it all official, but in the mean time, Hunter is able to attend and get started at the same time as his other classmates.

This morning I think he was very nervous.  He didn't make it to the potty on time which is something he RARELY does anymore.  He insisted on bringing his brown blankie with him in the car, which is again something he almost never does anymore.  And he clung to me as I walked him to his classroom...
   

I choked back tears until I got to the car, but then they came.  I am so happy for him and I think this is a great opportunity for him.  But taking him to school today symbolizes how much my baby has grown.  My tiny 8 pound baby has grown into an amazing four year old.  He has a back pack and a classroom to attend. I realize he is only four and this is just three mornings a week.  But it is beginning a new season of life in our family.

So this morning, Adelyn and I have gone grocery shopping, done some laundry, watched elmo, and cuddled.  It is so quiet!



In his Pre K class there are 9 kids and we happen to know 5 of them.  That is a huge blessing!

Thankful for this opportunity.  What a blessing it is to raise children.....

Parenting imperfectly

Parenting is hard.  It is an "always" sort of job that at some point in the last four years has started to feel like normal life.  Caring for little people is now firmly woven into my daily routines.  But it is ever changing.  Just when i get comfortable in a pattern, the kids' needs change and we need to re-think how we nurture them.  The ever changing part of things is exhausting.  The past several weeks I have become more aware of the selfishness that is deeply rooted into me.

I read a blog recently about how it is easier to serve the homeless and go on mission trips than it is to speak nicely to your husband and deeply care for your children.  This really got me thinking.  Serving people for a few hours one day, or even for a few months, is sustainable.  It does cost something, yet you are still able to keep a large part of yourself free from exposure and vulnerability.  When you live with people, especially people dependent upon you for their every need, it is much harder to hide the deeper facets of your heart.

I can love my kids well and serve them well for a few hours or even a few weeks.  I can be lovingly attentive to their needs.  I think there are times I am good at it.  But then there are seasons of life, like the one I am currently in, where caring for them feels like a cheese grater on my skin. It doesn't come naturally and I have little desire to sacrifice on their behalf.  I am not sure if it is related to their new developmental stages or to just my own sheer exhaustion, but lately, parenting has felt at odds with my own desires.  My commitment to my own plans has caused me to look past my kids more than once. And it has shocked me.

It has been upsetting.  I am saddened to see my own sin.  It has exposed my own need of something greater than myself and that in and of itself can be frustrating, especially in a world that glorifies self-sufficiency.  Seeing my own brokenness can, at times, be depressing.  In some ways, the depressing feelings are holy, because my heart should break over my sin.  At other times, the depression is rooted in a desire to be my own god; to attain perfection and independence that is outside the scope of what is good for me.

My sin, as awful as it is to look at in the face, draws me closer to my Savior.  It is exposes the truth. Even though the vulnerability is scary, Christ provides me more than enough when I press through my fears and embrace the Gospel truth:  I will never be good enough. And that is okay.  Christ was and is good enough for me.

For me, parenting is the route that God uses to expose my great need of Him.  It is hard. But it is good.

"Your grace is enough! Your grace is enough!  Your grace is enough for me!!"