There is a large part of me that wants to say, "Good Riddance" to 2011 and leave it behind forever. It has been a rough year on many levels. We have faced grief, pain, loneliness and anger this year. But at the same time I have come to know more freedom, more joy, and more of God than ever before. So while I am so ready for this year to be over, I am truly thankful for the growth that the pain has brought about.
We started the year in heartache over the loss of our second child, just a few weeks after knowing of his existence. I had a miscarriage on Christmas Day 2010. This loss sent me into a dark place. I was forced to face the question of why God allows things like this to happen. Were we being punished? Had God forgotten me? Naturally this led me to grieving my father again. I felt shame over my body, anger toward God, and confusion over what I was supposed to do with my life. We met with a doctor and he assured us that there was nothing wrong with me physically and that these things happen due to no fault of the parents. Josh and I cried together and we named this child Patrick.
In March, I became pregnant again, though the numbers were quite low. The doctor told me from the beginning that it didn't look like this pregnancy would make it. Just a few short days later, I lost this child. Instead of sadness, I felt great anger after this loss. I was certain I would never have any more children and that God had forgotten me.
In April, I found out I was pregnant again. Though I was absolutely elated a great fear welled up inside of me (along with a lot of nausea). The only way I got past the fear was deciding to enjoy the pregnancy each day and not think about the future. On April 11, we got to see a tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound machine. On April 26 we saw the heartbeat and saw how the baby was growing. And I was getting sicker by the day--- all good signs of a healthy pregnancy.
In May, Josh and I finished the Spring semester on a Monday and then Josh packed up and left for Army Training that Saturday. He spent 90 days in South Carolina while Hunter and I remained in Missouri. I was 12 weeks pregnant the day he left and was praying for the morning sickness to go away. It lasted about 13 or 14 weeks with Hunter. But it did not go away. I spent most of the summer feeling icky and unable to eat. I missed Josh so much. I really struggled taking care of Hunter and myself through the morning sickness. I was lonely for Josh.
In June, Hunter turned two! I threw him a birthday party with lots of his friends. We ended the day talking with daddy on the computer. I missed Josh so much that day. I hated that he missed his son's second birthday. We were so thankful for modern technology so Josh could still see Hunter and celebrate from a distance.
In July, Hunter & I went and visited Josh in South Carolina and then went to New Mexico to see my mom. This truly helped to break up the summer. I was so ready to be around family again. Then, my mom came to STL to be with me when I had my ultrasound to find out the baby's gender. It was so fun to celebrate with my mom the news that I was carrying a little girl!
In August, Hunter & I drove to South Carolina with our friend Angela. Finally, Josh's training came to an end. I got to see him graduate! One night we were there, I started bleeding. I was 25 weeks pregnant, still having morning sickness, and now the horrible fear of losing the child came back. We spent our 4th anniversary in the hospital on the Army base. The next night we had to go to Columbia for care that the base did not provide. I was placed on bedrest and that lasted the next 8 weeks.
In September, I was so thankful that Josh was able to be with us again, but being on bed rest was not the "welcome home" I had envisioned for him. Our fall semester had to be tweaked in order to handle me being placed on bed rest. Josh dropped a class and I only took one. Even though it was our lightest semester academically it still felt busier and at least as stressful as the rest.
In November, I finally started to feel a little better and the thought that I had almost made it to term with this little girl kept me going.
Finally, December 1 arrived. Adelyn Taylor was born with no complications at 7:57 a.m. I feel like December redeemed 2011. All the struggles of this pregnancy were made completely worth it when I was able to hold little Adelyn close to my body, knowing she was safe and healthy and finally here!
As I type all of this out I am realizing I have a hard time putting into words the comfort that has come from the Lord amidst all these struggles. At the beginning of the year I was certain he had forgotten me. But now, on Dec. 31, I have a completely different perspective on suffering. I am convinced that God is good, and that he cried right along side me this year as I grieved the loss of 2 children. This world is fallen, and even Christians are not exempt from the consequences of that. One day we will get to experience glory but that will not happen until Christ returns. Until then we must face the truth that this world is broken.
I have been reading a book called, "Where is God When it Hurts?" by Philip Yancey. He said, "Where is God when it hurts? He is in us--not in the things that hurt-- helping to transform bad into good. We can safely say that God can bring good out of evil; we cannot say that God brings about the evil in hopes of producing good."
I can testify that God has been near to me this year, revealing himself to me in spite of the pain and darkness. And in light of that, I can relate with this prayer, and I hope that God makes it true in me in 2012:
"I ask you neither for health nor for sickness, for life nor for death; but that you may dispose of my health and my sickness, my life and my death, for your glory... You alone know what is expedient for me; you are the sovereign master; do with me according to your will. Give to me, or take away from me, only conform my will to yours. I know but one thing, Lord, that it is good to follow you, and bad to offend you. Apart from that, I know not what is good or bad in anything. I know not which is most profitable to me, health or sickness, wealth or poverty, nor anything else in this world. That discernment is beyond the power of men or angels, and is hidden among the secrets of your Providence, which I adore, but do not seek to fathom."--A prayer by Blaise Pascal
