Gray Clouds

The sun is shining, the air feels light and the breeze provides just enough chill.  Even without air conditioning, I'm not too hot.  In other words, today is one of the few sunny, pleasant days in Misawa.

I didn't realize at this time last year how rare these days are in Misawa. Having moved here last July, I assumed these beautiful August/September days had been happening all summer. This year, I  had a very harsh realization in June and July, when I discovered most of the days were gray and dreary. In fact there is a term on base for Misawa June: "June-uary."  It is June but it feels much closer to the dark days of January than what you would expect from a June. Honestly, of the 14 months we have lived here, June and the beginning of July were the absolute hardest for me. We survived 6+ months of snow and lots of dreary days. When it was time for summer to be here, I felt like I had "earned" it. I did my best to have a positive attitude through the long (long, long, long) winter and I had finally made it to June. I expected the sun.

When it didn't show up, my heart sank. As a desert girl, I longed for the days of endless sunshine to brown my skin and warm my soul. My expectations of an outdoor summer with my kids were met with the  reality of gray, overcast dreariness. My insides began to match the weather outside. I felt a huge cloud settle right over my positive spirit.

Honestly, there were lots of things that contributed to this cloudy spirit, but the weather is the easiest to blame. 
Thankfully, the cloud over my spirit has moved on now.  A combination of things helped me get through bleakness: working out, taking vitamins, lots of time with friends, and getting out of town for a bit (to a truly sunny location!!). Ultimately, accepting the dark feelings and not judging myself for them helped a lot, as well. Gray clouds are going to come from time-to-time. While they are uncomfortable, they will not last forever, nor will the storm they encompass. Being honest about my darkness took away my fear of it, and gave me back a sense of ownership of myself. It wasn't easy and honestly I don't want to go through it again.

But I know I will, and on this side of things I know I can survive even an entire June of gray clouds.