the toughest thing

So much has changed in my life since I found out I was pregnant. Everything from sleeping to how I structure my days now rotates around someone other than myself. I find myself talking about poop, different styles of sleep training, and the benefits of weaning from the bottle. I think about cloth diapers, healthy diets, and how to make sure Hunter gets enough play time with other children.

But the toughest, most emotional thing I have had to face is the reality that my precious little boy gets sick. It breaks my heart every time. I get so worried! We have had quite a difficult month with Hunter's health. Shortly after his first birthday, he all of a sudden had a low grade fever and a rash. I took him to the doctor. Since he has a history of UTIs, we had to make sure it wasn't that.... thankfully, it wasn't. We decided he must just have a little virus.

His rash never really went away after that. There were days that were better than others, but eventually it got to the point that it was always there, no matter what I did. The cloth diapers didn't seem to make a difference. Since he was having a little fever again, I took him back to the doctor last week. She checked his urine and again found nothing wrong, so she prescribed a cream for his rash. The very next day, his rash spread everywhere his diaper touched and his fever shot up. And when I changed his diaper, there was red in it. Red. Looked like blood to me. That is how we found out he had a UTI when he was 4 months old. I freaked out and thankfully Josh was able to come home from work and go to the doctor with me. Once again, she could find nothing in his urine or nothing that she thought we should treat him for. We left the doctor with no answers and a lot of questions. I was very frustrated and a little scared.

At this appointment, the doctor also found a small lump at the base of Hunter's neck. Right on his collar bone is a hard bump that is moveable, yet always there. She said we needed to get this tested. Unfortunately, we had to wait a week to get the appointment. All last week we were nursing Hunter's rash and watching his temperature. His rash started to go away and by Monday night it looked like it was completely gone. I kept putting the cream on it since the doctor said to do it 4 times a day for 2 weeks. But honestly, it was gone.

Fast forward to Wednesday. Hunter wakes up with diarrhea and the rash is back in full swing. By the afternoon he had developed a low grade fever again. I called the doctor's office and they said Hunter needed to come in right away. So once again we headed back to the doctor. Once again we left with no answers.

Today we took Hunter for his ultrasound and x ray of the bump on his chest. St. Louis Children's Hospital is fantastic. The staff are so friendly, the appointments are nicely organized and everything went smoothly. We were in and out of there in less than an hour. Hunter still had his fever all day today and was especially cuddly. He hardly wanted to be let down at all today---which is so not like him. But he did great during the ultrasound and x rays. I was very proud of him.

So now I am just waiting. Waiting to hear the results of these tests and waiting to see how Hunter is going to feel in the morning. It is so hard to watch your child be sick and even harder to not have the answers. There are many things it could be: there is a bug going around campus, so Hunter could have that. He was on antibiotics for 5 months, so his body could still be recovering from that. He could have a food allergy, but those don't usually cause fevers. His urinary tract reflux could be causing his body issues. He could have an infection. This lump on his chest could be something or it could be nothing.

I hate not knowing. I hate watching him suffer. This is by far the hardest thing about being a parent. At least it is the hardest thing I have faced so far.