I woke up a year ago today really early-- maybe around 4. I was feeling contractions but they weren't painful. They were uncomfortable and causing great excitement for me... hoping that my baby would come more naturally rather than the required pitocin and other induction treatments. Josh had set up an air mattress next to my hospital bed and was still fast asleep. These moments were so precious to me. I prayed a lot about my labor, my son, and my soon to be family of 3. The emotions were thick within me, ranging from excitement to fear.
I was not allowed to eat breakfast, but the sweet nurses did bring me ginger ale as they started me on my IV fluids. They offered to allow me to take a quick shower, but I felt certain my labor would not take long so I declined. Biggest mistake I made of the day! By about 8 a.m. I was having contractions on my own, but they were not consistent and they were definitely not painful. Just uncomfortable. Around then, my doctor came to check on me and seeing that I had made no progress she determined it was time to start pitocin. I was quite saddened and a wave of anger came over me again. I really wanted to have as natural a birth as possible. Hunter's heart rate and movements were still showing great health. But Dr. Talraja, who was now on call for the weekend, determined that the risks were too high to allow me to just continue naturally. I think the pitocin started around 9:30ish.
I was still quite hopeful at this point that my natural labor would continue to progress on its own and the pitocin would simply be a jump start. I refused all medicine to dull or stop the pain as I was hopeful that feeling the labor would help my body to progress. By 10 a.m. the contractions were getting stronger, so I called my doula and told her it was time for her to come.
Josh started laboring with me. At this point I still wouldn't call it painful, but uncomfortable. I really liked sitting on the birthing ball and Josh was kind enough to rub my lower back when I started feeling the contraction coming on. I tried squatting and other positions to help lower the baby all with the hopes of my body going more naturally. When my doula got there, she helped with positions and gave Josh a break to go eat and to get a shower. Since my pain was still minimal and I had not progressed AT ALL, I was comfortable with this decision. Amara was great in keeping me calm and she held my hands through the contractions that were now getting a little stronger.
I kept the Ginger Ale on constant order and the nurses were kind enough to comply with my requests. By noon, the contractions were getting STRONG. I remember feeling comfortable only in the rocking chair and squeezing Josh's hands so tight with every contraction. I don't remember exactly when I was checked, but sometime around this time I had gone to a 2. Not great progress, but it was something. Considering I hadn't had too much pain, I was excited. For many hours after this I fought strong contractions by sitting in the rocker. I was experiencing contractions that lasted for about a minute and would have about 30 seconds in between. It was intense. Though they were strong and I definitely struggled to breathe during them, I still wasn't feeling overwhelming pain. It was tiring but "do able." This continued for many, many hours. My time line gets blurry at this point since I was not really focused on the time. I know at some point the doctor came in to check me and I wasn't too much further along. She broke my water and at that point I knew there was no turning back. Around 6ish she came back and said I was at a 3. This made me want to cry. I had been working sooo hard for the bulk of the day, convinced that I must be near transition. One of the side effects of pitocin is stronger contractions. Since the doctors still experienced me as a pleasant patient, they assumed I must not be feeling the contractions enough. They had the pitocin on as high as it would go for mannnnnny hours. My usually smile-y self was deceptive! Some time that evening they decided maybe they were pumping me too full of pitocin and they turned it way down. They hoped this would help my body to naturally catch up. I was so thankful for the little rest. This didn't stop my contractions, but did provide a little bit more time between them.
Sometime that evening, when the doctor checked me and said I was still at a 3, I gave in. I was so tired and quite angry that was all I had progressed to, so I asked for something to numb the pain. I think this was around 9 or 10 p.m. They gave me nubain, a drug that takes the edge off. I could still feel the contractions but they weren't as strong. I actually feel asleep between them. While I was laying in bed with this medicine, I decided I would take a 2nd dose. Each dose would last 1 hour and you were only allowed to have 2. I thought the 2nd dose would give me enough energy to make it through. But by the time the 2nd dose wore off, I knew I didn't have enough energy to make it through. I asked for an epidural.
I got the epidural at 2 a.m....
_______________________________
Today I have spent the morning at a coffee shop reading about the Holy Spirit. I am taking a class called Spirit, Church, and Last things. I have been reading about how the Holy Spirit seals us in God and provides us assurance of God's salvation on our lives. We are born again into the salvation that Christ purchased for us at the cross.
"The metaphor of birth itself implies not only a radical new beginning, but one which is never autonomous."
This quote really struck me, especially in light of my recalling Hunter's birth. It was a radical new beginning, a new life being brought into the world. And he couldn't have done it alone! I was very much present and working hard for this new life. And Josh was working hard, too (in a different way, of course!).
The same new beginning is offered to us in the Spirit. "As flesh, man gives birth only to more flesh. He cannot give birth to spirit, or to what is spiritual." I gave birth to my son in the physical sense, but he, just like every other man, needs a second birth. "If we are to belong to the kingdom, or family, of the Spirit, we must be 'born from above' by the Spirit."
Today, as I look back on the process of my son entering the world, I also look forward to his second birth into the Spirit of God. Both births are important and necessary for salvation. I feel so privileged to have spent the day a year ago praying for his entry into the world. Today I have been praying for his entry into God's kingdom. I pray that Hunter never knows a day where he didn't know the Lord. I hope God calls him at such an early age that he feels he has known the Lord all the days of his life. I ask that God's seal of the Holy Spirit would come over my son, even today, to mark him as the Lord's forever.
What a privilege it is to be a mom. What an honor and responsibility it is to pray for and be a part of both births in a person's life. I feel completely blessed for both today and today a year ago. Though painful a year ago, and though requiring much faith and trust for his second birth today, God is close to me in both instances. What an awesome God we serve!!!!
My baby is one. ONE! His birthday was a great day full of fun. He woke up early and refused naps all day... guess he wanted to soak up every bit of his day! He had two baths, 1 giant cupcake, several presents, and lots of love. We sang to him all day. We had a party for him with some of our friends here in St. Louis that afternoon. The kids blew bubbles and everyone ate cupcakes the size of their heads.
