Goodbye 2011

There is a large part of me that wants to say, "Good Riddance" to 2011 and leave it behind forever. It has been a rough year on many levels. We have faced grief, pain, loneliness and anger this year. But at the same time I have come to know more freedom, more joy, and more of God than ever before. So while I am so ready for this year to be over, I am truly thankful for the growth that the pain has brought about.

We started the year in heartache over the loss of our second child, just a few weeks after knowing of his existence. I had a miscarriage on Christmas Day 2010. This loss sent me into a dark place. I was forced to face the question of why God allows things like this to happen. Were we being punished? Had God forgotten me? Naturally this led me to grieving my father again. I felt shame over my body, anger toward God, and confusion over what I was supposed to do with my life. We met with a doctor and he assured us that there was nothing wrong with me physically and that these things happen due to no fault of the parents. Josh and I cried together and we named this child Patrick.

In March, I became pregnant again, though the numbers were quite low. The doctor told me from the beginning that it didn't look like this pregnancy would make it. Just a few short days later, I lost this child. Instead of sadness, I felt great anger after this loss. I was certain I would never have any more children and that God had forgotten me.

In April, I found out I was pregnant again. Though I was absolutely elated a great fear welled up inside of me (along with a lot of nausea). The only way I got past the fear was deciding to enjoy the pregnancy each day and not think about the future. On April 11, we got to see a tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound machine. On April 26 we saw the heartbeat and saw how the baby was growing. And I was getting sicker by the day--- all good signs of a healthy pregnancy.

In May, Josh and I finished the Spring semester on a Monday and then Josh packed up and left for Army Training that Saturday. He spent 90 days in South Carolina while Hunter and I remained in Missouri. I was 12 weeks pregnant the day he left and was praying for the morning sickness to go away. It lasted about 13 or 14 weeks with Hunter. But it did not go away. I spent most of the summer feeling icky and unable to eat. I missed Josh so much. I really struggled taking care of Hunter and myself through the morning sickness. I was lonely for Josh.

In June, Hunter turned two! I threw him a birthday party with lots of his friends. We ended the day talking with daddy on the computer. I missed Josh so much that day. I hated that he missed his son's second birthday. We were so thankful for modern technology so Josh could still see Hunter and celebrate from a distance.

In July, Hunter & I went and visited Josh in South Carolina and then went to New Mexico to see my mom. This truly helped to break up the summer. I was so ready to be around family again. Then, my mom came to STL to be with me when I had my ultrasound to find out the baby's gender. It was so fun to celebrate with my mom the news that I was carrying a little girl!

In August, Hunter & I drove to South Carolina with our friend Angela. Finally, Josh's training came to an end. I got to see him graduate! One night we were there, I started bleeding. I was 25 weeks pregnant, still having morning sickness, and now the horrible fear of losing the child came back. We spent our 4th anniversary in the hospital on the Army base. The next night we had to go to Columbia for care that the base did not provide. I was placed on bedrest and that lasted the next 8 weeks.

In September, I was so thankful that Josh was able to be with us again, but being on bed rest was not the "welcome home" I had envisioned for him. Our fall semester had to be tweaked in order to handle me being placed on bed rest. Josh dropped a class and I only took one. Even though it was our lightest semester academically it still felt busier and at least as stressful as the rest.

In November, I finally started to feel a little better and the thought that I had almost made it to term with this little girl kept me going.

Finally, December 1 arrived. Adelyn Taylor was born with no complications at 7:57 a.m. I feel like December redeemed 2011. All the struggles of this pregnancy were made completely worth it when I was able to hold little Adelyn close to my body, knowing she was safe and healthy and finally here!

As I type all of this out I am realizing I have a hard time putting into words the comfort that has come from the Lord amidst all these struggles. At the beginning of the year I was certain he had forgotten me. But now, on Dec. 31, I have a completely different perspective on suffering. I am convinced that God is good, and that he cried right along side me this year as I grieved the loss of 2 children. This world is fallen, and even Christians are not exempt from the consequences of that. One day we will get to experience glory but that will not happen until Christ returns. Until then we must face the truth that this world is broken.

I have been reading a book called, "Where is God When it Hurts?" by Philip Yancey. He said, "Where is God when it hurts? He is in us--not in the things that hurt-- helping to transform bad into good. We can safely say that God can bring good out of evil; we cannot say that God brings about the evil in hopes of producing good."

I can testify that God has been near to me this year, revealing himself to me in spite of the pain and darkness. And in light of that, I can relate with this prayer, and I hope that God makes it true in me in 2012:

"I ask you neither for health nor for sickness, for life nor for death; but that you may dispose of my health and my sickness, my life and my death, for your glory... You alone know what is expedient for me; you are the sovereign master; do with me according to your will. Give to me, or take away from me, only conform my will to yours. I know but one thing, Lord, that it is good to follow you, and bad to offend you. Apart from that, I know not what is good or bad in anything. I know not which is most profitable to me, health or sickness, wealth or poverty, nor anything else in this world. That discernment is beyond the power of men or angels, and is hidden among the secrets of your Providence, which I adore, but do not seek to fathom."
--A prayer by Blaise Pascal

Adelyn, 1 week

December 8, 2011

Bringing Adelyn Home

We brought Adelyn home December 5, 2011. We left the hospital around 11:45 a.m. I had been there so long it took me a while to pack everything up!
Here we are preparing to leave the hospital:




Here she is in her car seat for the first time!



On our way home from the hospital with Hunter, we got Chick-Fil-A. We decided we needed to do this again with Adelyn! So with our chicken and fries in hand, we headed home with our beautiful baby girl. It was so much fun to come home to balloons and signs on our door!

Josh's birthday!

We celebrated Josh's birthday last weekend! Since he had to go to Army Reserves Drill on his birthday, we decided to celebrate a little each night over 3 nights. Cyndie was in town and she helped me to decorate the apartment with banners and to make Josh a pumpkin pie. Josh requested Chinese food, which is his favorite. Hunter loves birthdays! He said, "Happy Birthday daddy!" so many times during this past week!

(Side note, we let Hunter have a small slice of pumpkin pie to celebrate daddy's birthday. He didn't finish it all so we put it in the fridge for him to have the next day. That next morning, Courtney was here helping me and she pulled Hunter's plate out of the fridge as she was looking for something else. From across the room, Hunter said, "Courtney that is my pumpkin pie. Do not eat it!")

We are thankful for you, Josh, and for all you do for our family. Happy, Happy Birthday!

Hunter Meets Adelyn

I was so excited to introduce Hunter to baby Adelyn. When Adelyn was born, Hunter had a viral rash. We took him to the doctor and he said that Hunter should not be allowed to meet his sister for a few days, to ensure that he was not contagious. I was soooo bummed out. Introducing Hunter to his sister was such an anticipated moment for me. I prayed about it a lot and talked to Hunter about it a lot in the weeks leading up to Adelyn's delivery. I really wanted him to bond with her. So we didn't allow him to come meet her for a full 48 hours. My mom and her husband were here and they entertained him. He was having a great time, but I missed him a lot!

The morning he came in to meet Adelyn and to see me I was soooo excited! We had a little gift for Hunter from Adelyn and my mom helped Hunter to pick one out for Adelyn. It was all very special. Adelyn was crying a little bit when Hunter came in. Hunter turned to me and said, "Mommy, baby sister meow!" It was adorable.

He was very sweet with her and even gave her a kiss. I am so thankful that Hunter loves his sister. We are blessed!

Adelyn Taylor Hammans

We are so excited to announce the birth of our daugther!

Adelyn Taylor Hammans
December 1, 2011
7:57 a.m.
7 lbs, 10 oz
20.5 inches

Adelyn was born via C-section and the entire procedure went very well. It was such a weird feeling to wake up Thursday morning knowing I was going to have a baby that day. Josh and I reported to the hospital at 5:30 a.m. in order to get registered and to get me started on the pain medicine.

Here we are on our way to the hospital

Everyone we dealt with was so friendly and helpful. I got my epidural a little bit after 7 a.m. and was wheeled into the operating room at 7:37 a.m. Dr. Jewell started the procedure around 7:45 and it went pretty quickly after that. I loved that I was able to be mentally present during the whole process. Dr. Jewell told me right before she was about to be born and they announced, "It's a girl!" a few seconds later. Within a minute they brought the sweet baby girl, still blue, around to me and put her right by my face. I was able to kiss her and touch her in her first minute of life!! That was not my experience with Hunter and so I didn't expect it at all. It was such a wonderful blessing!

The nurse then took my sweet baby over to the baby warmer to get cleaned up and weighed and examined. She was within a few feet of me and I was able to see her the whole time. Again, this was not my experience with Hunter and I just felt so blessed to watch her scream and wiggle around. For her first 2 minutes of life she was pretty blue. But she warmed up quite quickly and her skin became a beautiful color. She was angry for about 5 minutes, screaming her little lamby scream. She was absolutely perfect.

While I was in recovery, they allowed me to have my baby with me! I was so happy to get to hold her and love on her instead of recovering by myself like I did with Hunter. (theme: this is a better experience than my first delivery!!!) She immediately took to breastfeeding. Josh and I enjoyed these moments of holding our daughter, examining her features, discussing how she looked similar and different than Hunter, and praising God for this amazing new miracle in our lives. Within about an hour, the nurses and Josh took our sweet daughter up to the nursery for her first bath and to get examined by a doctor. After my recovery period, they wheeled me up to my hospital room on the seventh floor of the hospital. The nurse that took me to my room took me to the nursery first and allowed me to see my beautiful daughter through the window. She looked perfect. I so badly wanted to hold her!!! It took sweet Adelyn a while to get warmed up, so they kept her under the heater for about 2 hours. This was pure torture for me!!! ;) My mom and Josh both went and watched her through the window and reported back to me that she was doing well. And soon enough they brought her to my room.

During our 4 days at the hospital, Adelyn dropped to 6 lbs and 14 oz. The day we left the hospital, she was up to 6 lbs 15.8 oz, so I knew she was gaining weight again.

Going into the operating room, Josh and I were pretty certain her name was going to be Taylor Adelyn. We wanted to see her first before we made it official. As soon as I saw her I felt like Adelyn as a first name fit her better. A few hours later when Josh and I talked about it, he told me he had the exact same feeling when he saw her. We took that as confirmation that her name should be Adelyn!



Preparing for the C-Section

Meeting my daughter

Adelyn Taylor Hammans

Josh cutting the cord

Getting weighed! 7 lbs, 10 oz

Mommy, Daddy, and Adelyn



Our first night with our Daughter

2 kids

Today was our first full day home with two children. That's right, little Adelyn was born! It has been so fun to welcome her into our family. Hunter has been phenomenal with her today. He loves her so much. Here are some of the highlights:

1. Hunter said, "Baby sister eating mommy's belly." That must be what breastfeeding looks like to a two year old.
2. I said, "Hunter, baby sister is too small to pillow fight you." This is after he put a pillow on top of her. (We also had to discuss not smashing baby.)
3. Anytime Hunter cannot see baby sister he gets a nervous look and asks lovingly, "baby seester?" He must know where she is at all times.
4. A friend brought us dinner tonight and she and I talked for a bit. I asked if she would like to hold Adelyn and of course she did! As I was handing Adelyn to her, Hunter panicked. He said "Baby sister hold mommy! My baby sister, MINE!" He is already showing signs of being a protective older brother!
5. Hunter came up to me and said, "Baby sister play with trains in her crib." He then walked Josh and I to Adelyn's room and showed us how he put all of his favorite trains in her bed so that she could play with them when she want to sleep. So sweet! But this led to another conversation about little babies and their safety.
6. This evening I wanted to get pictures of Hunter and Adelyn together, so I placed Adelyn on the floor on a blanket. Hunter came over and gave her a few kisses and then said, "Baby sister needs to be covered!" He then ran to his room and got his two special blankies. When he got back, he covered her up very gently and sweetly, making sure to not get it on her face. My heart absolutely melted.
7. I just asked Josh what his favorite memory of the day was. He said that it was when he was changing Adelyn's diaper this evening. Apparently as soon as he got it off she pooped again. And then he got a new diaper on her and immediately she did it again. Then as he was putting a new one on her she "shooted poo" in a direct line, like a "stinky goo gun." He thought it was sooo funny.
8. Josh also said that he loved watching Hunter continue to bring toys out for Adelyn, like a ball or a train, and then proceed to ask her to play. He always wanted to make sure she had something to do.
9. In the rare moments little Adelyn was awake today, I loved watching her soak in her surroundings. There is such wonder in those little eyes, as they try to focus on the things around them. She loves to look at the Christmas tree... I'm sure the lights keep her attention.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all easy. But overall, we are so impressed with Hunter's love and acceptance of his new sister. I hope his fascination with her lasts a long time. He is a precious little boy and this little girl is such a blessing to us.

We continually praise the Lord for the blessing of parenthood. I feel so unbelievably blessed.